Saturday, January 10, 2009


Do I need to make an assessment of where I am in relation to my current context? Perhaps I should, but I have avoided it my entire lifetime up until now, and I probably will continue not to make an honest and open current assessment. It is too heart-wrenching and challenging. I am too afraid. Someday perhaps I'll figure out why and tell you. Probably not though. Instead, it is easier to use my imagination to focus on somebody else. It seems more interesting. I can see them more clearly in their environment than I can see me in mine.

It proves more interesting to consider how others shaped my life, to assess the intersection of my history with that of those who impacted me in some measure. To have knowledge of self, it is essential to understand the social and historical context of our times.

My mother's name was Nola. Overall, I guess throughout my younger life I felt more or less indifferent about her first name, Nola. I guess I was worried more about mine than hers. Hers seemed less noticed than mine. I don't recall her ever complaining about it. On the other hand, I don't remember her enthused about it either. By the same token, I don't remember ever complaining about my name until I was older, much older, and my parents were gone or not around. Now, I would have to say I like my mother's name, Nola. I like it a lot.

Since I was named after my father and he was called Walt, they called me Wally. I didn't like Wally. I still don't. I don't like Wally and I don't like Walter. To me, our culture demeans those two names.

My mother's middle name was Clara. Her mother's name, my grandmother on Nola's side, was named Clara. Her maiden name was Clara Barney. I don't know right off if she had a middle name. I'd have to look it up. My mother's maiden name was Nola Clara Thompson.

I am more like my mother than my father. My body is more like my mother's than my father's. It is more bulky and fair. It seems like it is more prone to distress. For example, my body gives me migraine headaches --- at least it did when I was younger --- just like my mother's did. Also, in temperament I am more like my mother, too.

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